吕国博士 | 说话的分寸，就是做人的尺寸

人用两年时间学会说话，却要用一辈子学会闭嘴。说话是一门艺术，会说话是一种本事，而懂得适时沉默则是人一生中最难的修行。做人有分寸，就是在与人相处时，说话和做事都要有分寸。不追问、不妄议、不说破，这些都是说话的分寸，也是做人的尺寸。

People spend two years learning to speak, but a lifetime to learn to be silent. Speaking is an art, being able to speak is a skill, and knowing when to remain silent is the most difficult practice in one’s life. It is important to have a sense of propriety in our interactions with others, both in our words and actions. Not prying, not speculating, not revealing secrets - these are all measures of propriety in speech and the measure of being a decent person.

阳光创译吕国博士为中国地质调查局访问乌干达地质调查局代局长Agnes Alaba Kuterema 提供翻译 IMG_7798.JPG

不追问，是一种善良：人是一种固执的动物，明知山有虎，偏向虎山行，不撞南墙决不回头。每个人心里都有一个结，解不开就放不过。但并不是所有的事情都需要查个清楚、问个明白。人活着，聪明有时是一种罪过，而糊涂反而会更轻松快乐。情景喜剧《宋飞正传》中有个人物叫乔治，他去参加一个社区养老院的志愿者活动。他所帮助的老人已经86岁，伴侣去世，孤零零一个人生活在养老院，却每天过得异常快乐。乔治对此感到困惑，他不明白一个人处境如此艰难，怎么还能如此快乐。于是，他不断追问老人：你害怕吗？你知道自己活不了几年了吧？你离死亡这么近，怎么能不害怕呢？你一定心里很痛苦吧？最后老人忍无可忍，非常愤怒地说了个字：滚！老人之所以这样做，是因为乔治层层逼问的过程，就是在一刀一刀划开老人不想被人看到的伤口。

Not prying is an act of kindness: Humans are stubborn creatures, knowing there are tigers in the mountains, yet still heading towards the mountains. They won’t turn back until they hit a wall. Everyone has a knot in their heart that cannot be untied easily. But not everything needs to be investigated or questioned thoroughly. In life, being clever sometimes becomes a sin, while being ignorant can bring more ease and happiness. In the sitcom “The Legend of Song Fei,” there is a character named George who volunteers at a community nursing home. The elderly person he helps is 86 years old, with their partner deceased, and living alone in the nursing home. However, this person lives an exceptionally joyful life every day. George is puzzled by this and cannot understand how someone in such a difficult situation can still be so happy. So, he relentlessly asks the elderly person questions: “Aren’t you afraid? You know you don’t have many years left, right? How can you not be afraid when death is so near? You must be in a lot of pain, right?” Finally, the elderly person can’t take it anymore and angrily says one word: “Go away!” The reason the elderly person reacted this way is that George’s incessant questioning process was like cutting open wounds that the elderly person didn’t want others to see.

真正有道德的人是不会这样做的。就像董卿在《朗读者》中对突然崩溃大哭的明星徐静蕾，并没有为了节目效果进一步追问她崩溃的原因。懂得就是慈悲。每个人都有一些深藏内心的秘密，一些相对沉重的往事，不愿意他人得知，更不愿意被人刨根问底。只顾满足自己的好奇心去揭别人的伤疤，是对他人的残忍。不追问，就是一种为人有分寸的高贵善良。

Truly moral people wouldn’t behave in such a way. Just like Dong Qing in the show “The Reader” when a celebrity, Xu Jinglei, suddenly broke down in tears, she didn’t further inquire about the reason behind her breakdown for the sake of the show’s effect. Understanding is compassion. Everyone has some deep-seated secrets, some relatively heavy past experiences that they don’t want others to know, let alone be probed about. It is cruel to satisfy one’s own curiosity by exposing someone’s wounds. Not prying is a noble and kind act of having a sense of propriety in how we treat others.

不妄议，是一种修养：《庄子》中说：“子非鱼，安知鱼之乐。”意思是在不了解他人的情况下，不要按自己的想法去揣度对方，更别提随意评价议论别人了。泰国有这样一则公益广告：一个极其凶悍的妇人到菜市场去收租，她一进菜市场就大声呵斥一个小贩，要他及时交租；然后走到一个卖肉的小摊前面，一把夺过肉铺的称，狠狠地摔在地上；接着又指挥人把一个女摊主的货全都收走了。

Not speculating is a form of cultivation: In the book “Zhuangzi,” it is said, “How can you know the happiness of a fish if you are not a fish yourself?” This means that without understanding someone’s situation, one should not speculate or pass judgment on others. There is a public service advertisement in Thailand that illustrates this point: A fierce woman goes to the market to collect rent. As soon as she enters the, she loudly scolds a vendor, demanding that he pays the rent on time. Then she goes to a meat stall, snatches the scale from the butcher, and throws it forcefully on the ground. She then instructs others to confiscate all the goods from a female vendor’s stall.

这个仗势欺人的画面被在场的市民录下来发到了网上，不到三天时间点击量过万。视频激起了民愤，网民们都在指责这个老板娘黑心，并且还呼吁不要去这个菜市场买菜了。然而没多久，菜市场的其他商贩就主动站出来帮老板娘澄清了。原来，被老板娘呵斥要及时交租的小贩已经拖欠了好几个月的租金；肉铺被摔称是因为他们长期缺斤少两，老板娘是在严厉警告他们；让人把女摊主的货收走，也是因为看她生活不易，自己掏钱把她的货买下了，让她能够继续经营这个他们一家赖以生活的小摊。

The scene of the boss lady exerting her power and mistreating others was recorded by bystanders and uploaded online. In less than three days, the video garnered thousands of views. The video sparked public outrage, with netizens condemning the boss lady as heartless and calling for a boycott of the market. However, it didn’t take long for other vendors in the market to step forward and clarify the situation. It turned out that the vendor who was scolded for not paying rent had been in arrears for several months. The meat stall had been consistently shortchanging customers, and the boss lady was sternly warning them. As for confiscating the goods from the female vendor, it was because they saw that she was struggling and bought her goods with their own money to help her continue running the stall, which was their livelihood as well.

周围围观的群众只是看到了事情的表面，并不了解全部的真相，就人云亦云地妄加揣测和评论，让老板娘遭受了不白之冤。生活中也有很多这样的人和事，仅仅看到整个真相的一角就妄下结论，攻击评判别人，让别人深受语言暴力的伤害。中国当代作家王小波说：“口沫飞溅，对别人大做价值评判，层次很低。”对于别人的事，不了解就不要随便议论，更不要妄自下结论，这才是一个人最大的修养。就像《欢乐颂》里安迪说的那句台词一样：你可以有不同的见解，但没有扔石头的权力。每个人都有自己的人生和选择，作为旁观者的我们无论如何都不应该随意评判别人的生活。

The onlookers surrounding the scene only see the surface of the situation and don’t understand the whole truth. They speculate and comment, causing the boss lady to suffer unjust accusations. In life, there are many people and situations like this, where they make hasty judgments based on just a glimpse of the truth and attack others, inflicting emotional harm through verbal. The contemporary Chinese writer Wang Xiaobo once said, “Spitting words and making value judgments about others is of low-level mentality.” it comes to other people’s affairs, if we don’t understand, should refrain from casually commenting and making unfounded conclusions. This is the epit of cultivation. Just like line spoken by Andy in the TV series “Ode to Joy”: “You can have different opinions, but you don’t have the right throw stones.” Each person has their own life and choices, and bystanders, we should never casually

不说破，是一种智慧：好的生活哲学讲究一个“分寸感”。与人交往中，说话要留余地，看破不说破，并非圆滑世故，而是尊重他人，顾及他人的感受，让彼此都感到舒适的处世智慧。思想家章炳麟曾经遇到经济上的麻烦，迫不得已拉下脸面请朋友帮忙。于是，这位朋友亲自跑到苏州，在一番无关痛痒的寒暄后，将一张钱票折好，偷偷压到茶碗底下，保全了章炳麟的面子。他既对朋友施以援手，又设身处地为朋友保全了面子，让对方没有接受施舍的窘迫感，更好地巩固了这段友情。看透是智慧，不说破是心胸。看破不说破的背后是一份恰到好处的分寸感，是人生阅历和涵养的体现，更是能够站在对方的角度考虑的处世智慧。

Not revealing is a form of wisdom: A good philosophy of life emphasizes having a sense of propriety. In our interactions with others, it is important to leave room for ambiguity, to see through things without explicitly exposing them. This is not about being cunning or worldly, but rather about respecting others, considering their feelings, and practicing a way of living that makes both parties feel comfortable. The philosopher Zhang Binglin once encountered financial troubles and reluctantly asked a friend for help. This friend personally went to Suzhou and, after casual conversation, discreetly folded a bank and secretly placed it at the bottom of a teacup, preserving Zhang Binglin dignity. By offering assistance while also preserving his friend’s face, he prevented the recipient from feeling embarrassed about accepting charity, thus strengthening their friendship. Seeing through things is wisdom while not revealing them is generosity of spirit. Behind the act of not exposing secrets lies a sense of propriety that is a reflection of life experience and cultivation, and it is a wisdom of that allows us to consider things from the perspective of others.作家贾平凹也写过一个关于朋友的故事：朋友有口吃，说话慢，有天在路上遇到有人问路，偏偏这人竟也是口吃，朋友就一语不发。过后我问他为什么不说，朋友答道：“人家也是口吃，我要是回答了，那人以为我是在模仿戏弄。”言为心声，会说话的人不仅仅是因为情商高，更是因为心里装着别人。在说与不说之间透露出来的品行教养，体贴细心，可见一斑。

Writer Jia Pingwa has also written a story about friendship: There was a friend who had a stutter and spoke slowly. One day, while walking on the road, he encountered someone who asked for directions, but to his surprise, that person also had a stutter. The friend remained silent. Later, I asked him why he didn’t respond, and he replied, “If I had answered, that person might have thought I was mocking or imitating them.” Words are a reflection of our thoughts. People who can speak well are not just emotionally intelligent, but also because they hold others in their hearts. The behavior and manners revealed between speaking and not speaking demonstrate consideration and thoughtfulness towards others.人人都有一张嘴，能说话并不代表会说话；说得多并不代表说得对；很多时候，口沫横飞比不上适时的沉默。说话很难，拿捏该说什么话还是不说话更难。在人生的道路上，希望我们都能保持善良，理性开口，适时沉默，把握做人的尺寸。

Everyone has a mouth, but being able to speak doesn’t mean one knows how to speak. Speaking a lot doesn’t mean what is said is right. Many times, timely silence is more valuable than words flying around aimlessly. Speaking is difficult, but knowing what to say and when not to say anything is even more challenging. On the journey of life, let us all strive to maintain kindness, speak rationally, know when to be silent, and grasp the measure of being human.